I've noticed a trend in my spam lately. It seems that something bizarre has been going on with Paris Hilton. I've looked over the headlines and I think I have it figured out. I'll start from the beginning...
Aug 20: Paris Hilton was caught nude in a bathroom. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, ever the upstanding citizens, commented on this childish behavior. They clearly don't approve.
Aug 21: Paris Hilton was seen covered in excrement. That's just gross. If only we knew more... Hilton slams Pamela Anderson as "Rabid Scavenging Hyena." Ah ha! So Pamela Anderson was the one who covered Paris Hilton in excrement!
Aug 22: This was a busy day for Paris, for I'll try to take it one step at a time. Paris wakes up that morning and heads out to get the paper. Forgetting about the excrement brouhaha of the previous day, however, she forgets to shower first and the local animal control mistakes her for some sort of wild, excrement covered animal. After straightening out that embarrassing situation, she goes back inside to get ready for her day. As she gets dressed, she watches the local news on TV. That morning they air their weekly segment where Steven Hawking talks about the latest in pop culture. Paris is happy to see him defend her recent sex allegations. She makes a mental note to send him a thank you note.
Paris eventually finishes getting ready and heads to the local University where she teaches literature. That day she compares the works of Dickens and Dostoevsky. Her class is a great success, but she doesn't have time to stay and chat with her students because she has to run to the airport to catch a plane to Geneva. Today is the big day that she gets to turn on the Large Hadron Collider.
Aug 23: Paris was so proud that she got to fire up the LHC for the first time. Her years of studying particle physics finally paid off. Unfortunately for her, the LHC created a black hole that destroyed a large portion of the earth. The public demanded blood and a judge ordered her execution.
Paris, head in her hands and crying, walked from the court house to her waiting SUV. The media was everywhere and reporters from all over the world were jockeying for the best position to ask her questions. As she approached one such journalist, he suddenly lept towards her and set her on fire.
Aug 24: "She wose fwom a life of nude child pway to the height of scientific achievement only to hit wock bottom in a ball of fwames...tonight I sit down with Ms. Hiwton for an excwusive one-on-one intewview." ~Bawbwa Wawa
Wow, what a week! Thanks spam emails for keeping me up to speed!
Edit: I also received a spam email with the subject of "Britney Spears is Actually a Piece of Broccoli." That sort of deserves a post of its own.
Posts
